Thinking back, i use to have this friend who, always wants things to follow his way. Whenever the group of us goes out together, he is always the one leading us to places and keep asking us to oblige to his demands.
So one faithful day, i decided that i should not tolerate with his nonsense anymore. I confronted him on MSN, asking him why do he always wants us to do things his way. To my amazement, he got angry and told me that if we were to lead, the whole lot of us will only end up doing useless stuff!
That comment really made my blood boiled. How could he could that of us? Are we that useless to him? I followed up, asking him that if he felt that we are a useless bunch of people, then why is he even hanging out with us?
His reply made me more angry. "Cause you guys have no friends."
I do not know what got into him, but at that point of time, all I could felt was anger.
I shut off the conversation window, went and found his contact page on MSN window and blocked him forever.
Ever since, I had not talked to him nor made any contact with him. Even when I saw him outside, I would just turn about or ignore his existence; I did not even lend a helping hand to him when I realised he was being blamed for something that he did not do.
I even find myself spreading bad rumours about him unknowingly then.
How do I get back this friend without him being the same old selfish him?
Close The Story Book
14 years ago
5 comments:
Hi Bryon,
The situation itself seems to be a character problem that you have been putting up with for quite some time. As humans, all of us have feelings and there would come to a time when you could not hold it in any longer. I could sympathize with you on your feelings at that point of time.
I agreed that approaching him and telling him your feelings towards his autocratic way of doing things is the right thing to do. But you would have to voice it out to him in the most tactful way possible (using constructive criticism). I believed the channel used (MSN) was not the best way to approach him on the problem. In my case, I would prefer telling him face to face.
Since what done could not be undone, the solution would be to try and salvage the conflict between you and him (If you still want to remain friends with him). Try to call him up and arrange to meet up (over a cup of tea).
Be as objective as possible, you can compromise first by apologising first on your actions during and after the incident. Then, you could explain and respond appropriately according to his reactions. It would be better if you have another friend who is also a friend of his to be present. He could be the mediator. A third party member would definitely have a more objective view on the whole situation.
If your friend understands your explanation and also acknowledge his mistakes, the conflict would be solved. But if your friend continues to defend himself and insist that he is always right, try not to let your feelings get the better of you (Be a person with High EQ). Say your goodbyes and peacefully leave the area. You may be better to not be friends with him after all.
Regards,
Kevin Lin :)
Well, I personally would not bother getting back such a friend if I had encountered this situation.
Since this happened some time ago, I'll assume you have reflected and realised that perhaps it was all a misunderstanding on that day. (I.e: Maybe he was joking but you didn't interpret it as such or perhaps you were too touchy during that conversation)
Well, if you were interested in befriending this person again, waiting for a class/group gathering before talking to him might be a good idea. Given the long and sudden break in communication, it would be weird if you just asked him out for a meeting.
During that meeting, bring up the topic casually and see his response. If he still gets agitated, it would be best if you just gave up since he has no interest in patching up or changing his behaviour. If not, you can then calmly explain what happened in the past why you had suddenly flared up and cut off your ties with him.
After patching up, you could then explain neutrally about his bad point of being too controlling, listing out some examples to help him reflect on his actions and if he agrees after reflecting, hopefully you'll see him change as you resume your friendship with him.
Hi Byron,
From your point of view, I would say you should not be bothered getting back with this kind of friend at all. But then again, I am looking at your friend through your perspective. Perhaps your friend always act like that only because you guys have been close friends for a long time? Perhaps his statement was just a joke? (Although it might be too much of a joke, but then again your friend might not be very good with using words). Maybe he did want to apologize to you but it did not happen, since you have blocked off his contact.
If you still want to get back to this friend of your after so many things happened, in my opinion you can try to understand his background first. You can contact other friends of his and ask more about him. Only by understanding each other better, two people can be friends with each other.
Once you've found the answer, or at least some clue to his actions and statements that time, you can try to contact him again. Although it might be hard, I believe Rayner and Kevin have listed out a few ways to do that :). Good luck with getting back with your friend :).
Hi Byron,
your post made me form a bad impression of your friend. He seems to have an issue with his character and attitude.
If you want to be a good friend and transform him, firstly I think you should forget the things he said to you. Accept that he has such an attitude.
Now, if you have his contact number, drop him a message asking how is he and all. Arrange for a meet-up along with some mutual friends. I believe you should have a face to face chat rather than using msn. MSN can be superficial and misleading.
During the meet-up, make him feel at ease and break any awkwardness between both of you. Slowly, address the incident. Ask him why he said such things. Explain to him how you felt. Also maybe it was wrong for you to cut him out of your life. So apologize for that and tell him in a nice manner that he should treat you guys with more respect. Maintain a friendly and empathetic tone throughout.
You might also want to let him know that you really want his friendship. Such statements when injected with emotions can make an impact. Handling someone with your heart is the only way to change a person.
Hey Byron,
After reading your post I think your friend was at fault. He shouldn’t have said so much about you people. But you also reacted in anger. One should avoid reacting in anger. Had you cooled off then explained to him things would not have been the same. Remember the first step in resolving conflicts is to cool off.
I think not talking to him and avoiding him wasn’t the solution. You could have sorted out your problems. Often there are conflicts amongst friends but that doesn’t mean we break our friendship.
Now what you can do is approach him and try to meet him personally. Explain him the situation and tell him the problems you people face. Offer constructive criticism. Make sure that you are not misinterpreted by him. Make him feel that you never wanted to offend him. I think if you will talk to him politely and in a friendly manner he will surely understand you and things can be sorted out.
However there were some typos in your post. There were some grammatical errors and sometimes unnecessary prepositions. Try to spend some time proofreading your posts.
Good Job!!! :) :)
Best Regards,
Nitika
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